


Something to Say

by snowvee



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Angst, Anxiety, Connor and Evan are friends, Depression, Fluff, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Suicidal Thoughts, and eventually more than friends, but theres also, im writing this as it goes, the rest of the cast is here too, they all deserve love, they help each other get better
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-24
Updated: 2018-02-07
Packaged: 2018-11-04 05:36:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 17,968
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10984449
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/snowvee/pseuds/snowvee
Summary: He considered texting Jared, but he knew the brief faux friendship would soon give way within a few minutes of communication. Which would evidently only press fast-forward on the negative spiral occurring, just an extra little push to send him flying off the rails. God, he was such a loser that the thought of contacting his only friend made him panic even more.Well, not only friend.At least, not anymore.There was Connor.





	1. This Mess That I Am

**Author's Note:**

> trigger warning: evan experiences a panic attack in detail and has depressive/suicidal thoughts so please be warned!  
> EDIT: this was my first time ever writing a story and I now realize how poorly written and planned this started!! please bear with the first few chapters, I do go over the actual plot and everything so if you like the story or not please keep reading it gets better lol

He was alone. Completely and utterly alone. The house was eerily quiet, not even the ancient floorboards were disturbing the stillness. Heidi Hansen had to go to some work convention upstate for the weekend, and trusted Evan enough to leave him alone for the time being. While most parents worried that a teen unattended in an empty home might throw an unforgettable rager for their whole class, Ms. Hansen had to worry that her son might spontaneously self destruct at any given moment without supervision.  
The sound of Evan’s breathing was the only noise that filled the vacant home, and while nothing was particularly wrong, Evan had a unique talent where he could sit and overthink himself into a bad mood. After all, he was by himself in a heap of blankets on a Friday night. It was at these times where his brain was naive and vulnerable, fueling into the negative thoughts that usually sat at bay on the edges of his conscience. His phone sat on the coffee table in front of him, taunting him with the threat of human contact. He considered texting Jared, but he knew the brief faux friendship would give way within a few minutes of communication, Jared would slip up and say something mean--which in reality was the truth that everyone was really thinking. Which would evidently only press fast-forward on the negative spiral occurring, just an extra little push to send him flying off the rails. God, he was such a loser that the thought of contacting his only friend made him panic even more. 

Well, not only friend. 

At least, not anymore. 

There was Connor.

Connor Murphy, who he had recently befriended. Connor, who maybe even genuinely liked him and looked at him like he wasn’t crazy and Connor who smiled at him in the hallways…  
There was no fucking way he was talking to Connor. He would ruin whatever it was he had with him, he could not let the one person who didn't think of him as a freak or disappointment see who he really was, couldn't let Connor see the worst of him. Evan averted his eyes from the phone and pretended to stare blankly at whatever was showing on TV. It could have been fuzzy static for all he knew. He tried to pay attention to the blurry faces, he tried to not focus on his knuckles that were white from him squeezing his hands to stop them from shaking. His fingernails dug sharply into his skin, pulling his mind from underwater briefly at the physical feeling. He couldn’t remember what had even started this stream of emotion, all he knew was that it was enough to knock him over. Anything was, he was weak and broken and he was just overreacting. He just needed to _calm down_. That’s all he ever needed to do, because it was just _so easy_ and that’s what everyone tells him to do because it works for other people who are normal and can actually function without wanting to die at the slightest notion--

 _Bzzzzzt._ A low vibration caught Evan’s attention. His phone screen lit up, signalling a notification. It was probably his mom, because who else would willingly text him? Who was he kidding, even his mom considered him a burden. He didn't want to look at it, he wanted to stay curled in a ball under his blanket forever, but curiosity got the best of him. He cautiously extended his arm and lifted the phone screen, illuminating his face in the dim room.  
It was from Connor. He felt a light flutter in his chest, a feeling that seemed to appear when he heard or saw the tall teen’s name. His fingers scrambled to unlock his phone, which took a few attempts due to the current trembling state of his hands. 

Connor: hey ev whats up?

Evan stared at the screen, trying to read the words from behind the tears that clouded his vision. He didn't know how to respond. _Oh you know, just having a completely fucking irrational panic attack by myself because I'm always by myself, why wouldn't I be? Oh, and contemplating maybe swallowing one too many xanax because the thought of dying isn't nearly as bad as the thought of living._  
No. Not happening. Instead of typing a weak response, Evan tossed his phone on the floor and roughly climbed out from under the heap of blankets he was hiding under. He stumbled blindly across the floor, running his hands along the walls of the hall to find the bathroom. The sight of his reflection in the mirror made him gag, god he was such a mess. He knew the attack was coming, he knew and that just made him stress more. Reaching up, he opened the medicine cabinet and shakily grabbed at his Xanax container. He tried to remember back to this morning to recall if he took his daily SSRI’s, but apparently all his brain was willing to do right now is remind him how much of a failure he was. He struggled briefly with the child lock cap before opening the bottle roughly. There were four snowy white pills left. His mind was foggy on what number he usually took, was it one or two but last time he took it the effect wasn't as strong so maybe if he took more it would work better? Without a second thought he cupped the capsules in his palm before throwing his head back and gulping them down. He heard distant ringing from the living room, but his head was fucking pounding so he wouldn't be surprised if he was hearing things. It was at this point in time that he felt his stomach clench, waves of nausea hitting him at once as the oncoming pressure crushed his lungs. When did he sit down? Was he in his bathtub? And why were his hands wet? Was it even possible to cry so much your hands were wet from rubbing your eyes? He knew he was supposed to focus on his breathing and count and recite pretty little numbers to make himself a-okay but right now he honestly couldn't bring himself out from under the tidal waves that were his mind. His breath shortened and became less stable, taking in rapid inhalations as his heart rate increased. Hot tears spilled over his cheeks that left his face damp and his mind spiraled out of control in sync with his body. Thoughts raced while his skeleton shook inside of him erratically. He was losing control, he couldn't do this, he was weak and his own brain and body were against him. Chills traveled down his spine violently and he found trouble in trying to regain the ability to hold his own fingers still. He was sick, so sick, what was wrong with him? 'Four, seven, eight' were the numbers his therapist told him he was supposed to enumerate to regain control of his system and calm his breathing--which, was he even breathing right now? No, so he was definitely dying. How the hell was he supposed to control anything when he was immobilized with wrenching panic? His thoughts raced and collided in his mind, all these voices tumbling over each other to get their violent remarks in. He couldn't move, couldn't even bring himself to lift his head out from between his knees. His chest rose and fell in a drastic grasp at air from behind the hand Evan had clamped over his own mouth to try and hide the sounds escaping. He was familiar with panic attacks yet each time they knocked him violently off his feet and left him broken on the ground afterwards.


	2. All You Need is for Somebody to Find You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan continues experiencing his panic attack, but now with someone by his side.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: anxiety and depressive thoughts, please take care!

Evan didn’t know how long it had been. It felt like he’d been there for hours, sitting on the cold porcelain, shaking and generally feeling like he was dying. It was almost as if he was out of his own body at times. The peak of the attack was almost passing, or perhaps the effects of the medication was beginning to settle in. The pills helped, although they couldn't still his heartbeat they simply established a fuzzy calm over his brain. Evan was still reeling. His arms had gone numb from clutching at himself, the physical and emotional strain leaving it’s lasting effects. Everything felt as though he was under water, the world around him afloat in a weightless haze, his senses completely overloaded in white noise. _Nothing mattered, he didn’t matter, he will never be enough._ The general anxiety had buzzed away due to the meds, leaving behind the dismal thoughts that contributed to the crushing weight on his chest. The sound of banging reached his ears, making him squeeze his hands tighter. The pulsating noise radiated waves of pain through his pounding skull. A singular bang, louder than the rest, ceased the rhythmic beating. Somewhere distant and past the dull fog in Evan’s head, a voice spoke. 

“Evan? I, uh, didn’t mean to break your lock but I got worried. You always text me back right away and I haven’t heard from you, also I was going to ask to come over anyway. So now I’m here, where are you?” The sound spiked a new rush of adrenaline in Evan. He shoved his head between his knees, shutting his eyes to block out the glaring lights overhead. This wasn’t real, no way was this happening now. The tears started up again, and he bit down on his lip to stop the muffled sounds from escaping. _He can’t come in here, if he found me he would know how much of a mess I really am, he’ll never speak to me again and I’ll be completely alone he’ll hate me-_

“Evan you can’t be sleeping it’s only ten-” Connors voice was closer, louder, interrupting the stream of thoughts flooding Evan’s head.

“Evan?” The doorknob pulled back, and Evan couldn’t hear he couldn’t think straight if he looked up he’d see the horror on Connor’s face _he was such a fucking mess_ and then...then he felt a hand on his shoulder. The simple touch of contact had grounded him briefly. Connor had sank down on the floor behind him and reached his arms out to grip Evan. It was tentative at first, but quickly Connor’s grasp strengthened. Connor pulled Evan back into him, wrapping his long, lanky arms around Evan's torso. He was anchoring him to reality. The reverberation of the other boy’s chest rising and falling grounded him. His anxiety ebbed, and his mind ever so slowly began to clear. The thoughts settled back to their corners, and a calm slowly, slowly filled the empty spaces. The other teen’s presence did not cure him, but it made everything a hell of a lot more bearable. Evan's breathing slowed as he was lulled into the warmth of the dark haired boys embrace. Even though he didn't have time to think about it at the moment, he was surprised Connor was warm. He always thought he would've been ice cold to the touch, but he's actually comfortable and soft, softer than anything Evans felt. He felt more at home in this boy's arms than he ever did in his own head. Evan was focusing less on his shaking hands and more on the smoky scent of campfires that emitted from Connors sweatshirt. Evan breathed out slowly as he felt a gentle weight sit on top of his head. Connor was resting his head on Evans, holding him together when Evan couldn't do it himself. They stayed like that, two lost souls intertwined with one another, for awhile. Their breathing had synced and neither dared to break whatever it was that was happening right then. 

"Th...thank you, Connor." Evan whispered, breaking into the silence that had stilled the air. Evan waited for a response, wondering if maybe Connor had fallen asleep. 

"I..." Connor mumbled into Evans hair, "I was so scared for you..." Connor's voice cracked, and Evan felt water droplets landing on his head. Evans heart stopped momentarily. _He cares about me..._ The notion surprised him, but offered solace at the same time. He felt Connor lift his head, untangling his arms from around Evan to wipe the tears off his own face. Evan turned around, fully breaking the embrace. Connor watched as Evans face crumpled and he bit down on his lower lip, a nervous habit Connor had begun to pick up on. Evan, without even thinking for a second to worry if his hand was sweaty, reached out and grabbed Connor's. 

"Are you okay?" Evan asked breathlessly, studying Connors expression. The long haired boy glanced at their hands interlaced and blushed softly, as if they weren't both just holding onto each other for hours and this contact was new to them.

"Y...yeah. Are you? God, you're the one who had a panic attack. I should be the one asking." Connor trailed off, his eyes clouding. 

"I'm f-fine now. I, uh, wouldn't be if it weren't for you so, so thank you." Evan muttered, realizing that the one person that means the most to him just saw him at his worst.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> short chapter, I know! I'm super busy with the end of school. Also I hope Connor's not ooc here, I really wanna stay true to his actual self in the musical but he kinda has to be sweet in this chapter. I appreciate all feedback so please let me know your thoughts!!


	3. Even Now I Lie Awake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan deals with the immediate aftermath of a panic attack, and struggles to face Connor after being seen at his worst.

Connor’s eyes were multicolored. Heterochromia, he believed it was called. It was in this moment Evan had come upon this realization. Connor’s gaze was piercing, and even more fascinating now that he had picked up on the multiple shades. 

“You there?” Connor’s question abruptly interrupted the stream of thoughts. The long-haired teen was staring at Evan, clearly waiting for a response. Evan’s mind scrambled to remember what was previously said, but failed to present anything. But Connor was waiting on him, so he sputtered out whatever words happened to form.

“Uh, yeah, sorry, I was just, um, your eyes? They’re brown and blue, and I guess I never noticed that before? I’ve never seen something like that, and it’s pretty…” Evan felt his cheeks heat up, why of all things would he actually start talking about another person’s eyes? 

“Pretty… cool, ha, yeah.” He chuckled nervously, suddenly afraid to meet the steady gaze of the eyes he had just rambled about. To his surprise, he heard laughter. Evan glanced up and saw Connor laugh, a slight smile flashing.

“Um, thanks, Hansen.” 

Connor’s brief happiness faded into concern as he watched Evan. Evan most definitely would have been freaking out over the night’s events and the current social interaction he didn’t expect to have, but the violence of his anxiety attack had drained him of all feeling. The only emotion that was prominent was pure exhaustion, both physically and mentally. He had no idea what time it was, he knew it was pretty late when Connor had texted him and it felt like that was hours ago. 

“What time is it? Aren’t your parents worried?” He asked, rubbing the back of his hand under his eye to remove any signs of crying. He hoped they could move on and pretend like it hadn’t happened, and Connor had never seen him like that. 

“It’s somewhere around midnight.” Connor replied, and his face visibly darkening at the second inquiry.  
“My parents don’t care.” Evan opened his mouth to refute this, but a sharper look from Connor that said _don't push it_ stopped Evan’s response.  
“I was actually going to ask to crash here tonight, if that's alright. I can sleep on the floor or on a couch or something, I don't mind. Unless your parents mind?” Connor ran a slender hand through his wavy hair. Evan stifled an ironic laugh. He never thought his first sleepover would quite go like this, let alone the act of him having a sleepover at all. 

“Don’t worry, it's just my mom and I. But she’s away all weekend for work. So… just me.” 

“So, is that okay with you?” 

Evan wasn’t really sure. He didn’t want Connor to realize that he was poor or find out how bad his anxiety really was… but it was a little too late for that, wasn’t it? Plus, Connor had just brought him down from one of the worst panic attacks he’s had in a long time. And Connor seemed to really need a place to stay, and his presence was comforting. So against all of his fears, Evan nodded. 

“S-sure.” He heard himself say, the exhaustion making his head ache. He yawned, and he was suddenly very aware of how cold and worn-down he felt. Connor was picking at his nail polish when he looked up. 

“You’re probably really tired, huh?” Evan tried to give him a look that said _obviously,_ but he had no idea if he could pull off the type of facial expressions that say things without words. He swayed slightly, reeling. The medicine had really hit, making him incredibly sleepy and brain-fuzzy. He vaguely remembered the side effects of the pills, he had freaked out one night and done a ton of research on the influences of his meds. Terms such as cognitive dysfunction, dysarthria, and fatigue surfaced. He had never had a bad reaction to the drugs, but then again he had probably taken more than recommended. He really needed to lay down before he made a bigger fool of himself than he already had. Connor reached out again, steadying him with his hands, yet again showing a rare kindness. 

“It’s okay, you need to sleep. I don't know where your room is though...” Connor trailed off as he tried to guide Evan out of the bathroom and into the hallway. Evan just kinda nodded, the effort of talking just taking too much out of him, and he didn't have much left in him. He took a right, entering his pale blue room and soon falling into the flannel sheets of his bed. 

“Thank you...goodnight, Connor..” He mumbled softly into his pillow. 

“Night, Evan.” Connor whispered, exiting the room and shutting off the lights. As Evan neared the edges of sleep, he realized he never told Connor where he could sleep. 

 

Light filtered through the window above Evan’s bed, softly illuminating the blue hued room. He opened his eyes slowly, his head sore. The memories of last night hit him all at once. He pulled the sheets over his head, burying his face in the softness of the fabric. _Oh my god,_ his head swirled as his brain returned to normal function - the xanax had worn off by now. He felt vaguely sick beneath the initial panic upon remembering that _Connor freaking Murphy_ was currently in his house somewhere. Evan groaned, wishing he could stay within the safe swathe of cotton. He new better than that, and with a great amount of effort he climbed out of bed.  
He crept silently through the hall, avoiding the floorboards he knew were squeaky. He figured Connor had found the couch in the living room and slept there. Evan was listening intently for any sound of an awake or sleeping Connor, but he heard nothing. He breathed in deeply before turning the corner into the living room. To his surprise, nothing was on the couch besides a heap of blankets. No Connor. Evan’s brow furrowed and he walked past the living room, turning into the kitchen. His eyes settled on a note on the countertop.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry for not updating recently, I will be able to post way more frequently after school ends. Also, the story will probably get better and more things will start happening soon, sorry if its boring right now.  
> Thanks for reading, and as always comments and kudos are greatly appreciated! Have a lovely day/night :)


	4. I Wish I Stayed At Home In Bed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan, for once, has plans on a Saturday.

_Evan,_  
Thanks for letting me crash here last night. Had to leave early (parents were freaking out). I hope you're feeling better. -C-a-n-I-c-o-m-e-b-a-c-k-l-a-t-e-r-?- Text me when you’re up.  
Connor 

Evan stared at the note, reading it once and then reading it over again. He didn’t share many classes with Connor in school, and he never knew what his handwriting looked like. Strangely, it kind of resembled him in a way. It was a slanted, slight cursive that was tightly compacted. The letters were too narrow to allow the reader an ease of understanding. The fourth sentence was crossed out, but Evan could still make out the letters underneath. He felt his stomach drop upon scanning the scribbled words. _After last night, Connor still wanted to come back?_ Confusion and surprise mingled in his mind as he searched for his phone.

Eventually, he found it laying on the floor of the living room. Although he knew it was stupid, he felt wary of the couch knowing someone else was sleeping there only hours ago. He turned his phone on to see more notifications than usual. Two missed calls and six texts. The calls were from Connor and his mother, both from the night before. That explains the ringing he had heard. The texts were from the same people as well as Jared. 

_Mom 10:13 pm  
Hi honey! Just got back to the hotel for the night. Just checking in and saying good night. Hope all is well, text me tomorrow to let me know everything’s okay._

Of course, although she was exhausted from work, she felt obligated to contact Evan to make sure he was still functioning normally. He shook the thoughts out of his mind before the guilt they caused could snowball. 

_Evan 9:23 am  
Hi mom, everything's good. Have a good day :)_

He added the smiley face to make extra sure he seemed more positive than he really was. It was so much easier to fake feelings through a screen. After the message sent, he opened the texts Connor had sent before his impromptu visit. 

_Connor 11:18 pm  
u good? u usually reply right away i’m worried_

_Connor 11:20 pm  
dude_

_Connor 11:25 pm  
i’m coming over_

Evan knew what had happened after that. He sighed and figured he would text Connor later as he had suggested. The last two were from Jared.

_Jared 11:22 pm  
Umm,, any idea why School Shooter Murphy just asked me what your address is? Heads up, I gave it to him--maybe he’ll spare me when he bombs the school _

_Jared 12:07 am  
Fine, don't text me back. Clearly you’re either dead or having gay sex right now, so I’ll leave you alone_

He knew Jared meant well sometimes, but the majority of the time Jared’s attempts at humour just worsened Evan’s state of mind. The texts leave a funny feeling in his stomach, so he closes them without responding. All he feels like doing right now is sleeping, which is what he decides to do. Instead of making it to his bed, he slid down under the soft blankets that draped over the couch cushions. He vaguely recalled Connor’s note, and his request, so he unlocked his phone once more. 

_Evan 9:34 am  
Hey_

He hit send before he could over think the message, and relaxed into the warmth of the blankets. However, he couldn’t sleep long as his phone announced a response. 

_Connor 9:48 am  
hey how’s it going_

_Evan 9:50 am  
Fine, are your parents really mad?_

Evan felt pretty bad at making Connor’s parents upset with him. It's not Connor's fault that his friend (is he his friend? Evan was never really sure) was an unstable mess. His worry only grew as Connor took a longer time to respond. 

_Connor 9:56 am_  
_its nothing i cant handle. they just find it really difficult to believe i have a friend. but maybe if u wanna hang out later i can sneak out  
they took my car keys but i can walk_

Well, Connor had called him his friend. Although doubt pooled beneath the initial elation he felt, he responded instantly. 

_Evan 9:58 am  
I can pick you up?_

Evan didn’t normally drive. The road and stress of it all made him feel sick, but maybe for once he had a shot at being an average human today. 

_Connor 10:00 am  
only if u think u can handle meeting my parents and explaining why ur friends with a fuck-up like me_

Evan frowned to himself. Connor wasn’t a fuck-up, he was the fuck-up between the pair. He had heard the rumors and stories about Connor (mainly from Jared) around school, about his problems and actions, but he couldn’t trust anything they said. Besides, although he had only recently gotten to know Connor, the other boy had been fairly amiable and controlled. But then again, he had only seen the way Connor interacts with himself. Whatever, it's not like Evan had any other options on what to do with his day. Besides, who was he to judge? Even if Connor was a sociopathic maniac that everyone claimed he was, Evan wasn’t much better himself. However, the thought of meeting Connor’s parents terrified him. _I can handle this,_ Evan thought, while one hand dug his nails into his skin and the other typed out a response. 

_Evan 10:05 am  
Where and when? _

It was around five o'clock when Evan pulled into the suburban driveway of the Murphy’s household. Sure, his hands were practically slipping off the steering wheel from slick moisture and he was biting down on his bottom lip so hard it was white, but he was fine. _I am fine_. He glanced into the rear view mirror and spoke the mantra out loud to himself. Maybe if he said it enough he could trick himself into believing it. He didn’t look as bad as he usually did, as he had self-consciously checked and rechecked his hair multiple times throughout the time he was driving. He had thrown on one of his nicer sky shaded tops, which made him (attempt to) refrain from worrying the hem of the shirt. With one last glance at his reflection and one last swipe of his hands on his khakis, Evan hopped out of his car and headed towards the Murphy’s porch. 

His finger wavered above the doorbell. The sound of arguing could be heard from through the white front door. He recognized Connor’s voice through the muffled shouts, and in response was a deeper yell. If he rang the doorbell, it could interrupt the fight and save Connor from arguing. Or, it could direct all this anger towards him. Or he could just turn around and go home. Evan really wished he could do the latter. He felt his hand involuntarily press down on the little oval, a sweet bell sounding on the other side of the door. The noises ceased, and the door handle turned. A short woman with long amber hair opened the door. Her face seemed troubled, but brightened upon seeing Evan. A bright, almost too wide smile erupted on her face and she stuck out her hand. 

“You must be Evan! I’m Connor’s mother, you can call me Cynthia. It is so nice to meet you!” She cheerily spoke, shaking Evan’s wobbly hand. Evan tried to choke out a response, but his throat was too tight. Luckily, she spoke over him, and motioned for him to come in. 

"Come on in, I’m sure Larry would like to meet you.” Evan nodded, probably way too many times, and trailed after Mrs. Murphy. He tried not to stare at the many things his house lacked, such as family portraits and expensive decorations. 

Connor’s dad didn’t look like Connor. In fact, none of the Murphy’s looked like Connor. It was strange. Although, Connor had some things in common with his dad. Mr. Murphy was incredibly intimidating, and his gaze constantly felt like a judging glare. Nonetheless, he had shaken Evan’s hand firmly and greeted him gruffly. So far, despite the jittering of his hands, Evan was doing okay as far as answering their polite questions. That was until Zoe came down the stairs. So much for not ruining the edges of his shirt. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like this is moving super slow, I'm sorry if it is!! Next chapter is coming soon, I'll be updating more frequently as promised.  
> Thanks for reading! Leave a kudos or a comment in you like, it makes my day :)


	5. Could You Be Seen With Me and Still Act Proud

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The two boys leave Connor's house and find something to do at Evan's house.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning: underage drinking

Zoe Murphy was standing roughly five feet away from him, her arms crossed over a pastel knit sweater. Her usual soft, smiley look was completely missing from her face. Instead, her spring green eyes were narrowed as if she was trying to discover all of Evan’s secrets. In the brief moments Zoe was analyzing Evan’s disposition, he had noticed the style of her hair. He had always admired her hair from his seat behind her in their mutual classes. It was such a soft shade of fawn with ochre highlights, falling in gentle ringlets. It was a stark contrast to Connor’s deep and darkened brown waves. 

“Hi Evan.” Zoe spoke, her voice warm and unmatching of her inquiring stance. This definitely wasn’t how he had hoped his first real conversation with Zoe would go. This weekend just kept getting stranger and stranger.

“H-hey Zoe.” He offered a smile, which he over thought and immediately stopped smiling. _Where was Connor?_ He just wanted to run right back out the front door. 

“What are you and Connor doing tonight?” She asked, flicking a strand of honey shaded hair over her shoulder. _What were they doing tonight?_ Evan had no idea. He opened his mouth, but both his brain and the air between them were blank. No words formed, and his nerves focused in the muscles in his hands. Luckily, like an actual angel descending from heaven, Connor came down the stairs. 

“Why are you interrogating him? Leave him alone.” Connor spoke gruffly, glaring coldly at his family that had crowded around Evan. Evan caught his gaze for a second and saw his own uncomfort reflected in his friend’s eyes. Zoe rolled her eyes. 

“Whatever. It just doesn’t make sense, that’s all. I’m going to my room.” She turned on her heel roughly before adding, “Nice seeing you, Evan.” 

“Well!” Cynthia chirped brightly, trying to clear the tension between the siblings. 

“I’m sure you two boys will have fun tonight. Are you heading out now?” Evan nodded vigorously. He was sure that both himself and Connor couldn’t wait to escape. 

“Not too much fun. Are your parents home, Evan?” Connor’s dad spoke up, and although he was addressing Evan he was staring his son down. Evan made the connection between Mr. Murphy and the arguing he heard earlier. Connor bristled next to Evan. 

“Does it matter, Larry?” Connor started, his voice wavering. Larry ignored this comment, just now turning to look at Evan. Evan coughed slightly before word vomiting from the stress of the setting. 

“Um well my mother, she works, and this weekend she’s away on a- a job thing? I don't really know and my dad left when I was really young so it's actually just Connor and I tonight but I-I mean we’re totally safe and he-” Evan inhaled shakily for the first time since he started to talk and Connor grabbed his arm gently to stop him. 

“We’re fine. We’re leaving now.” Connor summed up, not waiting for a goodbye. He turned and strode toward the exit sharply. Evan gave Mr. and Mrs. Murphy an exasperated shrug and followed. 

 

The car ride was mostly quiet besides the low humming of the radio station Connor had turned on. Connor was staring blankly out of the passenger window, mindlessly tapping his nails on the center console. 

“I..I’m sorry if I totally just fucked up in front of your family.” Evan muttered, partly to break the silence and partly to apologize for the feasible problems he had caused. Connor looked at him from the side. 

“No, you didn’t do anything wrong. It’s my family that’s fucked up. What isn’t fucked up about me?” He muttered, returning his burning glare to the window. Evan felt his heart race increase slightly. Okay, maybe this wasn’t going to be easy. He definitely didn’t know how to handle an upset Connor. He knew if he refuted Connor and said that he was a good person, he might end up injured. Instead, he shakily tried to change the topic. 

“What do you wanna do tonight?” Evan’s voice sounded a lot shakier than he had intended, but it wasn’t like Connor didn’t already know how he was riddled with crippling anxiety. He risked a glance at Connor who was resting his head against the glass, looking as if he was going to open the passenger door and throw himself out of it. 

“Get high or wasted? I need something to fucking stop this before I lose control in front of you. Also maybe movies?” Although Connor’s voice was calm, Evan could see his hands shaking although his hands were clenched. Obviously Evan didn’t have any drugs or… weed? But he could have something.

“Um, I think my mom might have some wine or something somewhere?” He offered, glazing over the fact that Connor said he could ‘lose control’ and he had no idea what that entailed. He wasn’t so sure he wanted to find out anyways. So even though he’s never drank alcohol or done any drugs that weren’t prescribed, he would do whatever it takes to keep Connor afloat. 

“That’ll work. Thanks, by the way.” Connor muttered softly, still gazing out the window, but less threateningly. 

“For what?”

“For… you know, everything.” 

 

The boys arrived at the Hansen’s house. It was strange. They were both here the night before, yet something felt different. Evan figured it was the fact that they were both hanging out officially for the first time. Or maybe it was the fact that neither of them were crying into the other’s arms. It turned out that after some searching, Evan’s mom did have an alcohol supply. In some cabinet there were a few barely used bottles of wine. He wasn’t surprised that they were hardly touched, considering his mom’s time consuming job as a nurse. However, he was surprised they were just kinda sitting there, not hidden or locked away. He guessed his mom didn’t expect him to mess with his medication or whatever.   
Too bad he was all out of medication for the weekend and had company to impress.

“Got a bottle opener?” Connor asked. 

“I, uh, I don't know? I’ve.. I’ve never done this?” God, he sounded so stupid. If Connor didn’t think he was a loser before, he definitely thought so now. Connor looked up at him, his brow furrowed. 

“Done what?” 

Evan motioned vaguely towards the wine bottle in Connor’s hands. A wave of recognition came over Connor’s expression and his eyes widened.

“Oh. Ohhh.” His eyebrows raised, and Evan thought he saw a slight smile form. 

“Well. You sure you wanna do this? You don’t have to if you don't want to. But, you’ll be safe because I’m kind of an expert on this.” Evan’s initial anxiety was screaming _nononono_ but the excitement of doing something dangerous with someone he genuinely liked influenced his decision. 

“Y-yeah, besides I probably won’t get drunk anyways.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is pretty short, but the next one will be really long and filled with lots of good stuff (don't wanna spoil it but just trust me)   
> thanks for reading! as always, comments and kudos are greatly appreciated! comments literally make me so happy so thank you to anyone who's left a comment or anything you mean the world to me :)


	6. Just Keep Your Eyes On Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan and Connor experience alcohol and have some fun, in more ways than planned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning: under age drinking!!

Evan was a giggly drunk. The boys had been passing a bottle between them, and Evan had barely had as much as Connor had. Despite this, it was clear the smaller boy was definitely a lightweight. They were sitting on the couch, laughing and watching some dumb movie that was playing on TV. Connor’s negative mood from earlier had dissipated, as he was tipsy and smiling widely at Evan. Under the influence of alcohol Evan was a louder, more confident version of himself. He spoke incredibly quick, his words slurring together slightly between giggles. The warm heaviness of the wine made his head buzz and everything seemed really funny. Evan had no idea what he was saying, he just saw Connor’s wide grin as encouragement so he kept going. He was hardly following the movie, he just knew it was a bunch of cliche teenage behavior. Evan refocused on the scene depicted in front of them: hopelessly in love teenagers dancing and singing in their bedroom. 

“Who the hell just throws a dance party? None of these movies are realistic.” Evan rolled his eyes, and briefly glancing at Connor to see his reaction. Connor’s mouth turned up slightly before he answered quietly, 

“Zoe and I used to have dance parties all the time.” His expression dropped and he stared past Evan. However, it was at this point in time Evan was struck with an incredible idea. It was dumb, but at the time it seemed like the best idea he had ever come up with. Besides, he was wasted and young and his drunk self was okay with making a fool of himself. 

“Oh my god, Connor! Get up.” Evan stood up, grinning, and extended a hand to his friend. Connor eyed him warily, yet his raised eyebrow and soft smirk showed intrigue. 

“Why?” 

“We’re having a dance party. Obviously.” 

Connor looked hesitant, but he physically couldn’t say no to the huge grin on Evan’s face. He shut the TV off and he stood up. Taking Evan’s extended hand, he smiled a dopey grin right back. God, drunk Evan was infectious.

“Lead the way.”

 

They were in Evan’s bedroom, a radio station blasting out of his laptop speakers. It was some deafening pop song, with a bouncy beat and lively lyrics. Connor wasn’t paying attention to the music. He was occupied with the image of Evan dancing and laughing at Connor, a cheerful shine to his soft forest hued eyes. The heat of the wine was spreading through Connor, leaving a jolting energy in his veins. His head was fuzzy as he grabbed Evan’s hands, both of them laughing at nothing and everything. 

It was dumb and silly and stupid yet they were having a really good time. Evan decided maybe alcohol wasn't that bad. Maybe Connor wasn’t that bad. Hell, he couldn’t remember the last time he had genuinely laughed until his stomach hurt, or when he was just having _fun_. Evan couldn’t help but think Connor was charming when he was smiling like this. The intimidating, stony glare he wore gave him such an aggressive appearance. But when Connor was smiling back at him and his eyes were radiant and he was just _happy,_ he wasn’t threatening at all. 

They were bouncing around the room, stumbling and laughing and singing along. It was late yet Evan wasn’t tired. He was, however, very tipsy and could hardly control his own feet. Soon enough, Evan tripped over his backpack, falling back onto his bed. As a last minute reflex, he gripped Connor’s hand tighter, thus pulling him down as well. Both fell in a heap on the flannel sheets. Evan burst out laughing. He wasn’t sure what was funny, but whatever it was it was hilarious. Connor was giggling too, his hair forming a tangled halo that framed his face. Evan turned to face Connor. His icy eyes were searching Evan’s, and as the laughter died down Connor was lured into an impromptu decision. He didn’t know what influenced it. Maybe it was the alcohol, maybe it was the way Evan was staring back at him.

Evan was staring back at Connor, his cheeks aching from smiling all night. He was just...so happy. He felt a little sick from the wine, but it was worth it. He was giggling about something and Connor was smiling back at him and then Connor was really close and-  
_oh._

Connor was kissing him. It took a few seconds for this to register in his drunken brain, but it was happening and he was kissing back. The music faded away and everything seemed surreal. Connor was pressed against him, one hand in Evan’s hair. It was a lot, the incredulity of the moment and the heat of touch and lips on lips. Evan just went with it. He leaned into Connor, snaking his hands into his darker locks. Everything was moving so fast, he could hardly keep up. All he knew was he didn’t want it to stop. 

They grew more passionate, and the hunger seemed to grow between them. Evan’s mind was slurred and he mentally blocked all thoughts. He was focused on the very pressing situation of the present. They had both worked up into a sitting point, Evan practically in Connor’s lap. Connor’s hands were at his waist, while Evan had kept his in Connor’s hair. He just kept kissing him, becoming as close as he could physically get to the other boy. 

Eventually, Evan pulled back for a brief second. He looked up at Connor and felt a rush of burning heat in his cheeks. Connor was out of breath, his own cheeks flushed with a rosy color. Drunk Evan knew that his sober self would be absolutely losing his mind to extreme anxiety at this moment, but Drunk Evan was simply drunk and numb to his fears. Sober Evan would have to deal with the repercussions tomorrow. He gave Connor a sleepy smile. 

“I really like you, Connor.” 

Connor’s face burst into a grin. He laughed slightly and put his face in his hands. 

“I really like you too, Hansen.” 

Evan wondered briefly when the music had stopped. He glanced over to see that the laptop had died, its battery drained. He yawned, his own battery drained. After all, this was a lot of firsts for one night. 

“Cooooonnor….” Evan moaned, extending out the “o’s” in his name. Connor looked up at him, his cheekbones still colored pink. 

“Yes?”

“Can we sleep now?” Evan asked while rolling over onto his side and hugging his pillow. Connor chuckled softly before responding. 

“Yeah, but only if you let me borrow some pajamas.” 

Evan motioned vaguely at one of his dressers and buried his face in his pillow, his mind slurring his thoughts and anxieties. Connor searched through his dressers before finding clothes and exiting the room to go change. Evan shivered. His mind may be working pretty slowly, but he did know that he was suddenly freezing. He sat up reluctantly and glanced around the room. His eyes focused on some sweatpants on his floor and a black shape on the end of his bed. Evan hopped out of bed and changed into the sweatpants. He picked up the black item to discover Connor’s sweatshirt. He must have taken it off during the dance party. The thought of wearing it made his heart flutter, so he put it on. Immediately the familiar smoky scent of Connor enveloped him. He smiled to himself.

“Is that my sweatshirt?” Evan spun around to see Connor in the doorway, wearing his old flannel pajama pants and some worn navy blue t-shirt. 

“Aren’t those my pajamas?” He retorted, completely unknowing of where this energy and confidence was coming from. He was still exhausted though, so he walked over and collapsed back into the sheets. Connor smirked and followed. 

“The sweatshirt looks cute on you.” Both boys were snuggled under the covers with the the lights off. The dark made everything a little more vulnerable, so Evan found himself pressed tightly against the other boy’s chest. He felt his breathing slow and he sensed himself drifting off to sleep quickly. Before he fell asleep, he whispered softly. 

“Goodnight, Connor.” 

Through the haze of oncoming dreams, Evan heard a response. 

“Night, Evan.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaah I hope this isn't cringy or anything, I'm literally a teenage girl I dont know how to write about two boys making out lol oops. The next chapter might be a while, its finals for me so I'll be pretty busy. I'll make it up to you, I promise. Anyways, thank you for reading as always! Leave a comment if you like, they make my day :)


	7. My Heart In My Throat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The morning after and coming to terms.

Morning dawned, its soft yellow light shining through the blinds and resting on Evan's comforter. It took a few moments for Connor to register his surroundings. Slowly, he took in the blue walls, unfamiliar bed, and the sleeping shape next to him. Connor's arms were wrapped around Evan's waist, and he tried to think back to when they finally fell asleep. His heart swelled with blurry memories of the night before. _Shit, if he wasn't straight before he definitely wasn't anymore._ Carefully, he tugged his arm out from under Evan and sat up. Connor rubbed his eyes, feeling slightly well rested for the first time in months. Evan was sleeping peacefully, and Connor briefly wondered if he had ever seen him so calm. It almost felt wrong to disturb the stillness of the blue hued room. Evans chest was rising and falling in his sleep. For once, it was a gentle, rhythmic cycle unbothered by panic. His honey hair was tousled and his lips were parted slightly. Connor realized he was smiling like an idiot watching this boy sleep. He lifted himself out of the bed quietly, and pulled his hair back in a loose messy bun. He exited Evans room with a final glance at his sleeping face.  
Evan woke to rumpled sheets and a major headache. He almost forgot that he wasn't alone until he heard a bang from down the hall. Gradually, the events of yesterday formed in his mind in unclear bits and pieces. His heart began to race and adrenaline spiked within him. He would have freaked out, but he couldn't process anything with the state of this... _hangover?_ Well, he never thought he would say that. For a while he stayed within the safety of his bed. He couldn't process the entirety of last night. He never really thought of boys in that way... besides, definitely not about Connor. But he remembered the feelings of the moment last night. It was unlike anything else. But... he couldn’t think like that. The current moment felt safe, and if he exited he would have to see Connor and this bubble of ignorance would pop. However, he knew he couldn’t stay there forever. And god, his head hurt real bad. And his stomach. Basically, both his mental and physical state was in turmoil.  
With reluctance and a great deal of strength, he hauled himself out of bed. Before Evan left his room, he caught his reflection in his mirror. His hair was unkempt and he was...was he wearing Connors sweatshirt? He briefly remembered chills down his spine and hands trailing on his skin. He swallowed roughly, his skin shuddering at the thought. Connor couldn't like him like that. _What if he totally fucked up the only friendship he might have had? What would he say?_ Evan felt the nerves climb up his throat and he instinctively searched for his pill bottle. Empty. Damn it. He couldn't get a refill since he was home alone this weekend. He would have to do this alone. He took a deep, shaky breath and stepped out of his room.  
Connor was standing at the kitchen counter, cooking. He was unaware of Evan’s presence, judging by the sound of low humming emitting from Connor's throat. He was wearing Evan's flannel pajama pants. They loosely hung low on his hips, exposing a soft, snowy strip of the boy’s lower stomach. His hair was tossed into a messy bun, and Connor had never seemed so blissful. The thoughts at the edges of Evans mind threatened that his happy facade would break at the sound of Evan's voice. Evans nerves rose in his chest and his teeth unknowingly sunk into his lower lip. His stomach practically did a flip when he remembered the hunger of blush colored lips against his skin and long, nimble fingers in his hair and on his back and _pulling him closer-_  
"Hey, good morning. Do you want powdered sugar on your pancakes?" Connor turned around, a slight smile easing its way into the curvatures of his face. Two loose, wavy strands framed his prominent cheekbones that were interrupted by the soft ripples of his smile. "You alright?" Connors question interjected Evan's analysis of his face, _what the hell was he doing?_  
“Y-yeah um I'm not really hungry?" It came out as more of a question, and most likely sounded more rushed than he intended, perhaps with a voice crack in there somewhere. In fact, even the thought of food was enough to make his stomach churn and his head swirl even faster. God, his head really fucking hurt. Connor must have picked up on the hints of a hangover Evan was displaying through his scrunched brow and hand rested on his forehead.  
"First hangover, right? It’s rough, I know." Connor paused, vaguely waiting for an answer from a groggy Evan before giving further instruction.  
"Drink that. Don't smell it and don't ask what's in it, just do it in one swig, ok?" Connor slid a greenish liquid across the kitchen table. The liquid looked vaguely like what Evan imagined his stomach acid might look like. He pulled a face, but trusted Connors words and swallowed the drink roughly.  
"That was disgusting, what the hell?" He managed to spit out after the sting of the liquid left his tongue. His head seemed to reel and he had trouble standing straight. He was hit with the after effects of the liquor down his throat and the clink of glass bottles and hands and hearts beating together, in sync _togethertooclose-_  
Evan jumped when he felt one hand on his shoulder and the other on his lower back.  
"Hey, you don't look too good. Lay down, you’ll feel better." He could slightly feel Connor leading him to the couch and covering him in a blanket but who really knows what's really happening ever? Everything felt sick and wrong. It wasn’t real. Nothing happened. Besides, why would Connor be acting so nice to him? Evan felt as if he was out of his body, his own self escaping him and the weight was lifted from his shoulders. Through the fog, he felt his eyes close as his brain pounded from the inside. He would sleep, and when he opened his eyes everything would be back to normal. 

Upon waking, everything did seem to be back to normal. It was later in the day, judging by the dim darkness outside the windows. Slowly Evan managed to shift into an upward position. His eyes adjusted to the light and he heard the faint patter of rain bearing down on the roof above. His head still ached, yet not as bad as before. Connor didn’t seem to be here anymore. Connor’s been over twice yet Evan’s never had the chance to say goodbye either time.  
Similar to yesterday, Evan found a note left on the coffee table.  
_Evan,_  
_I had to leave. I hope you feel better. See you sometime._  
_Connor_  
He stared at the note. It seemed rushed and sloppy, and the ‘see you sometime’ was very vague. Evan couldn’t handle this. He crumpled the note and felt his breathing stagger. This weekend was just too much.  
“Evan? I’m home!”  
Evan’s heart dropped into his stomach when he heard the front door open and his mother’s endearing call. Endearing, yet overbearing. He knew deep down that she cared but it was really hard to believe sometimes.  
Heidi turned the corner and saw Evan on the couch and her face broke into a weary smile.  
“Evan, whats wrong?” She inquired, walking towards him cautiously. Of course, because there's always something wrong. Quickly, Evan managed some energy to put on a _‘everything is fine’_ expression.  
“Nothing, I’m just tired. How was the work thing?” He asked, giving a faltering smile while absentmindedly pulling at loose threads on a blanket.  
Heidi watched him carefully before responding. “Oh, it was fine. Did you… cook something?” She was looking at the kitchen, with dishes in the sink and various items out of place. Right, because Connor had made breakfast this morning. Evan shook his head, partly in response and partly to clear his own thoughts.  
“No, I had a, uh, friend over? He made breakfast.” Evan replied meekly, immediately seeing his mother’s face light up.  
“Oh, that's great sweetie! Was it Jared? I haven’t seen that boy in forever, we should have him over for dinner sometime.” She smiled. Evan could lie and say it was Jared and get this conversation over with, and then he could retreat to the safety of his room. However, a part of him wanted his mother to know he wasn’t such a loner and actually had another friend. _But maybe not anymore, considering I fucked everything up._  
“No, it was a-actually a, uh, new friend of mine? His name is Connor.” The word felt foreign in his mouth, and he refused to look up and meet his mother’s overjoyed gaze. It would only add to the waves of guilt washing over him.  
“Well, that's just wonderful. I’m proud of you, Evan.”  
_No you’re not. You shouldn’t be._  
“He’s welcome here anytime. I’d love to meet him.”  
Evan didn’t know how to break it to her that he might not be coming back. Instead, he changed the topic.  
“Um, mom, I’m out of medication…” He trailed off, risking a glance up only to see the worry lines set back into her face.  
“Oh, alright, I’ll call it in. Is everything alright?”  
Evan knew what she meant by ‘everything’. The broken brain he had, the inability to function, the burden he put on the people around him. Nothing was alright.  
“Everything’s fine.” He muttered, his voice weak. He knew his mother didn’t believe him, he couldn’t even convince himself. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for such a long break between updates! I have one last day of school, and after that updates should be more frequent.  
> I thought I should mention that most of my chapter titles are from songs. (this chapter title is from "Home" by daughter).  
> Also, I might start to fluctuate between Connor and Evan's point of view. It'll help the story develop.  
> Thank you all for reading!  
> Kudos and comments are very much appreciated :) Hearing your thoughts and feelings on the story makes me really happy and it gives me motivation to write.  
> Have a lovely day/night!!


	8. Truth Is The Stars Are Falling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The weekend comes to an end.

_It had all started the beginning of senior year. It began with a shove, and followed with an exchange of mutual solitude. Both boys had been in the same school system for most of their adolescent years, yet due to Evan’s fear of connection and Connor’s tendency to disappear, neither had particularly crossed paths. Both were consistently on the outside of everything yet while Evan was looking in, Connor was looking away._

_The first day of senior year is what sparked the understanding. Jared had made some offbeat remark and Evan had nervously stifled laughter, to no avail. Connor had shoved Evan and later sought him out for a kind of apology. It was with this moment shared over a cast signing the two realized something. Both were equally alone._

_Connor had taken a chance in reaching out to Evan. But in doing so, they formed something that both would come to rely on. It started out rough, with Connor’s sullen impulses and Evan’s anxious habits, but the occasional passing wave or short conversation made each boy feel noticed. They began to see each other consistently: Connor’s black outfits and slouchy messenger bag in the blur of a hallway, Evan’s cool toned shirts and worried hands at the back of classes. The other’s presence was comforting in times of group work or lunches, but their relationship might have stayed at in-school social crutches if it weren’t for Evan’s therapist._

_Evan remembered when his therapist had told him that the self-help letters weren’t working. Ever since he had confessed to his therapist that the letters he was supposed to write daily didn't do anything but make him more anxious (who wants to get up early to over think even more about all the things that would happen in the day?) just getting out of bed was a feat in itself. Eventually him and his therapist had reached a compromise. Evan could drop the letter task and instead go to the coffee shop in town before school. It was supposed to make small talk easier and help him overcome his fear of social interaction, but it really just made Evan jittery early in the morning._

_Connor also went to the coffee shop in the morning. It helped him to avoid early morning family conflict and it give him energy after countless sleepless nights. The two noticed the other at the shop and it became a bit of a routine. They would start the day together before school, and it made everything a little less painful. Through these mornings, the two would share thoughts over a cup of black coffee and chamomile tea. Some mornings it would just be silent. They grew to adapt to each other's quirks within the few week’s they’ve shared so far. Neither expressed it, but both were grateful to have someone to fall back on. Evan had hoped it would always be that way._

_But now he had gone and screwed everything up._

Evan laid in his bed, absolutely dreading the threatening, looming presence of tomorrow. He had never really thought about his own sexuality. He could hardly talk to Alana Beck, the overachieving girl who did enough talking for the both of them, without stuttering. He never really figured he had a chance at even getting close enough with one person to have feelings. Of course he noticed when someone in his class was attractive, but he always silently complimented them in his own head. The only person he had ever had a crush on was Zoe Murphy. She was really pretty and he appreciated her musical talents. But he knew that was never going to go anywhere. Besides, he literally just made out with her _brother._ Evan shoved his face in his hands. He couldn’t deal with this. God, he never could deal with anything. 

He would have to see everyone tomorrow. Zoe, Connor, Jared… the thought made him shiver. Sometimes he just wished he could stay in bed and sleep forever. He fucked up the one good thing he had going for him. Connor most definitely hated him and would never speak to him again. Jared was already angry at Evan, and he just couldn’t handle the shit Jared would throw at him. Evan just couldn’t deal with tomorrow. He couldn’t skip school either though, so he just rolled over and hoped to never wake up. 

 

The blaring signal of Evan’s alarm clock started his day at the early hour of six in the morning. The gathering of nerves within Evan exploded, and he almost instantly began to tick with his hands. Everything in him screamed for him to stay at home. He couldn’t think about facing the day before him without feeling nauseous. He slipped out of his room quietly before peeking his head into his mom’s room. 

“Mom?”

He called out for her, unsure whether or not she had already left for the early shift. A brief rustling of covers and a flock of blonde hair answered his question. 

“Morning, Evan. Off to school?”

Heidi asked, yawning and climbing out of bed to get ready for her own day. 

“Yeah, soon, I just wanted to ask if you had gotten my prescription refilled?”  
Evan watched his mother’s face fall. 

“Oh, sweetie, I’m sorry, I forgot to call it in last night. I’ll have it for you by tonight, alright? Will you be okay today?” 

She tentatively asked, worry lining her face familiarly in the way she always watches her son. Evan gave a meek nod and mumbled a goodbye before turning down the hallway and retreating to his room. Great. An incredibly anxiety inducing day without his mental cocktail was just...great. 

Evan followed his normal routine of getting dressed and brushing his teeth without even thinking. He gathered his backpack and desperately tried to gain control of his nerves before hopping out the front door. He clutched the steering wheel, knowing he shouldn’t be driving in this state but he absolutely didn’t want to walk. The therapy induced thought of breathing techniques reminded him to inhale and exhale in timely manners. After a moment of this, Evan exited the driveway and headed towards the school. He couldn’t manage enough false courage to bring himself to the coffee shop this morning. 

 

The buzz of the school usually drove Evan into a hushed panic, but the laughter and movement of the hallways seemed heightened. He kept his head down and let his feet carry him to his locker while avoiding any and all contact. 

Evan exhaled a breath he didn't know he had been holding when he reached his locker. It was near the end of a usually empty hallway, and the noises and commotion of the rest of the school was lessened here. His fingers numbly entered his combination and as he was unloading his textbooks he heard a girly peal of laughter. He risked a glance up and saw Zoe Murphy: chatting with a group of junior girls, her hands eagerly clutching her backpack straps. 

Zoe Murphy was looking at him. No, _Zoe Murphy was walking towards him._ Evan nearly dropped the binder he was holding. She was definitely headed his way, and there was no one else at the end of this hallway. He felt his hands perspiring and deciding to just continue shoving his stuff into his locked to the best of his abilities before Zoe’s chiming voice interrupted his stream of thoughts. 

“Hey, Evan.” 

She was just saying hey. Why was his heart racing so fast? Wait, he had to respond. He hadn’t answered her yet. So much time had passed she probably thought he was so weird-

“H-hey Zoe!” 

Evan stammered. She gave a pitying smile and flicked her hair with a pink-polished hand. 

“So, is he paying you or what?” 

She asked, innocently batting her doe eyes at Evan. Evan furrowed his brow. 

“What?” 

“Oh, you know, the whole hanging out with Connor thing. Neither of you are the type to suddenly have ‘friends’, and I just was curious as to what’s really going on.”

Evan felt his heart drop. He knew he was lonely, but hearing someone else, especially someone he admired, say it out loud was pretty painful. He swallowed roughly before turning back to his locker. His rapid pulse and emotions were not helping him in his response.

“Yeah well I’m sorry it’s hard for you to accept that me or Connor could actually be friends.” 

He chided curtly as the first bell rang. Zoe stepped back and opened her mouth to respond but Evan found himself closing his locker and exiting the hallway. He turned into a bathroom and slid down the stall wall, catching his staggered breaths in his sweaty palms. 

That is _not_ how he wanted his relationship with Zoe to start. He had no idea he could even say something so rude, and to someone who he wanted to have like him. He exhaled slowly, dragging the air out of his body until his lungs ached. It wasn’t even first period yet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A comment suggested I include the backstory on how Evan and Connor became friends in this fic, so sorry for any confusion before! Sorry if it's out of place, I just tried to add it in somewhere. I know Zoe seems kind of rude in this chapter but if you think about it in the beginning of the musical she isn't the kindest (with good reason). Forgive me if the chapters are boring, I know where I want to go with the story but I don't know how to get there--first time writing a fanfiction.  
> Title is from the song Ease by Troye Sivan.  
> Thank you for reading!  
> Please comment if you have any thoughts or feelings! Seriously, it makes me super happy.  
> Have a wonderful day/night!!


	9. Tides Will Bring Me Back To You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan finds his way through a couple of difficult days. Eventually he finds his way to Connor.

It was easy to hide the appearance of being emotionally wrecked. However, maintaining that composure was the hard part. Evan had to get through this day. He stared at his misty reflection in the bathroom mirror that was framed with rust. His face wasn’t visibly teary eyed and he wasn’t breathing too erratically. He fiddled with his outfit before realizing he should head to class, or else he would be late. And entering class late would result in everyone turning to stare at him as he made his way to his seat and the teacher might even call him out and-

No, he definitely could not be late. 

Evan had hurriedly made it to his first class in time. It was science, which would have been a period of ease for him if it weren’t for the glares he was getting from Jared. Jared sat across the room and made a point of shooting Evan glowering looks every time Evan glanced up. So Evan made a point of not looking up. He could usually handle Jared’s disparagement but today was different. Usually Jared just made casual criticism but now he had a real reason to be upset with Evan. One remark could add to the onslaught of emotion and Evan didn’t want to know what that would do to his mental health. So, Evan made a plan to bolt as soon as the bell rang as to avoid any contact. 

The period passed calmly, it was an easy hour of silent work. The occasional rustle of paper or clatter of pens disrupted the quiet, but for the most part it was a solid time where Evan could focus diligently. Because of this he lost track of the final minutes of class and was surprised by the tone of the bell. Hurriedly he packed his work into his binders and joined the stream of teenagers exiting the classroom. Evan located Jared who was walking through the same hallway only a few feet aside from him. A lump formed in his throat. It was his fault Jared was angry at him, the least he could do was offer an apology. If it worked he wouldn’t have to worry about this particular problem anymore. Besides, apologizing is what he does best. 

Evan took a few longer strides to reach Jared. Jared hardly noticed him until he stuttered out a “Hey, Jared, I wanted to uh..” 

The rest of the apology died in his mouth as Jared glanced at him sideways before sharply turning the corner and walking away. Evan felt his face heat up but he just dug his nails into his palms and continued his own path. Jared could ignore him, fine.   
Whatever. 

The rest of the day dragged on with somewhat of a comforting ease. No anxiety provoking encounters and no more unwarranted outbursts. Also no Connor. Evan’s heart dropped a little at the last thought. Evan didn’t have many classes with Connor. He had been absent in the ones they do share, but it was common for him to skip. Evan couldn’t help but feel disappointed at the sight of his empty seat. Even though the thought of seeing Connor after their last encounter made him nauseous. He didn’t know what he wanted. He just wanted to fade out. Just.. stop existing. It wasn’t uncommon for this feeling to appear. He just hadn’t felt it as strongly since the last summer. 

The last bell rang, signaling release as students stood up and scrambled to get home. Evan was jostled out of his thoughts and he followed suit towards his locker. Usually Evan kept his eyes on the floor, but he stared past the clumps of kids lining the hallways as his eyes focused on one in particular. A lanky form in black, a swaying bag at his hip. Standing at a locker. 

“Connor!” Evan called out, and immediately wishing he hadn’t said anything. A few other students glanced at him, very obviously judging Evan. That didn’t bother him. What did hurt was the way Connor looked back at Evan, slammed his locker shut, and strode away. 

 

Evan was really, really glad when his mom came home with his refills. 

 

Another day passed. He was being ignored by Jared, Zoe, and Connor. Being ignored by Jared he could deal with. Being ignored by Zoe wasn’t much of a difference to him, as he had never interacted with her before this week. It was the lack of contact with Connor that left his stomach in knots and kept him up at night. He was back on his daily numbing medication, so he wasn’t in a dangerous state as he had been before. However, he seemed to be completely isolated. Strange, he had felt that way most of his life up until now. He had experienced a brief time of connection only to be thrown back into solitude. In fact, the only person he had spoken to was his mom and Alana Beck. But then again, talking to Alana Beck was just one sided listening.

It was Wednesday morning now. Evan had decided he was going to stop at the coffee shop just before school. He hadn’t the past two days, and the looming guilt of telling that to his therapist was alarming. Evan could lie, but he knew he was bad at keeping lies going as they eventually fell apart. So with whatever amount of courage he had left he gathered his strength and drove to the coffee shop. 

Surprisingly, Evan found that he didn’t stutter when ordering his tea. He felt a brief feeling of confidence before the door jingled with the entrance of another customer. A customer who happened to be Connor. 

Evan nearly dropped his drink. He quickly tried to regain his composure and walked over to add some sugar to the tea, his eyes fixed on his hands. He vaguely heard Connor mutter an order before taking a seat at an empty table. Evan felt eyes on the back of his neck and subsequently his adrenaline spiked. A week ago he would have gladly spun around and joined Connor. And now he could hardly force his muscles to put the lid back on his drink. A weekend could really change everything. 

But Evan knew that if he never spoke to Connor he would lose the only real connection he had. So, in a spur of the moment decision, Evan turned and walked over to a weak looking Connor. 

Connor upon sight looked exhausted. His face was a languid shade of white with cold undertones. His hair was loosely thrown back into a knot, which with a jolt reminded Evan of the way his hair was when he saw Connor on Sunday morning. Connor had his eyes closed as he took a sip of his coffee, but was now looking up at Evan with an almost beaten down despondency. The expression changed in a moment to a cold stare, so fast that Evan doubted he even saw the previous melancholy. 

Connor stared back at him expectantly. It was in this moment Evan realized he was the one who had walked over here, and he needed to say something. So he set his drink down so his hands could tug at the edges of his shirt while he spilled his guts out.

“I’m sorry if I ruined everything I’m a mess I know I just really don't want to lose you as a friend but I understand if you never want to talk to me again which I guess you have been trying to do so I’ll go I just wanted to apologize first.”

Evan stammered, feeling his cheeks flush. He watched Connor’s face for a reaction as Connor slowly blinked. 

“It’s way too early for me decipher that. Just sit the fuck down.” 

Connor motioned idly at an empty seat across from him. Evan stared blankly back before realizing he was serious, and all too quickly sitting down and bouncing his leg at a fast rate. He didn’t actually think he would get this far. 

“I’m sorry. You’ve just been avoiding me and I don't want to lose whatever it is we have? Which I’m pretty sure that I already fucked up for us so I’m sorry about that.” 

He confided, avoiding the very unnerving gaze coming from across the table. It took a few moments for his words to settle. Evan couldn’t place the emotion of Connor. His hands were coiled tightly around his coffee cup. Evan noticed that Connor had really nice hands. Which he mentally reprimanded himself for thinking so. After a moment of silence, Connor asked,   
“Why do you think I was avoiding you?” 

At this question Evan raised his head and finally looked Connor straight on and held his gaze. His foot bounced on the tile, physically coping with the underlying panic in his composure. 

“Well I mean I haven’t heard from you since…” Evan stalled, letting the silence speak for itself in place of bringing up the intimate moments they had shared.  
“And on Monday I tried to talk to you and you ignored me… so… I figured you were avoiding me.” 

Evan paused, watching for any flicker of emotion within Connor. With no sign, he continued. 

“I understand why you would avoid me. I-” He faltered, his voice catching. He focused on his breathing briefly, and willed himself to not start crying in front of Connor in the middle of a coffee shop. 

“I’m a mess, a complete mess, and you saw that first hand this weekend. I get why you wouldn’t want to be around someone so b-broken.” Evan wavered, blinking fast to get the burning out of his eyes. He squeezed his hands, forcing himself to think _I can do this I am fine I am fine._

Connor’s expression almost looked pained. 

“I didn’t mean to ignore you on Monday. Well, I did, but I was high out of my mind. I usually try to avoid being held responsible for my actions when I’m high.” 

Connor vouched and Evan wondered if that was also true for when he was drunk. 

“I also have a tendency to ignore my problems, so pushing you away was basically a natural reflex.” He sighed, and pushed a loose strand of hair behind his ear. 

“Look. You might be a mess but I am too. I was ignoring you because I’m fucking terrified. I can’t stop thinking about you and I’m dangerous and I’m inevitably going to hurt you. Hell, I probably already have. But I don't want to lose this.”

Connor motioned vaguely at the space between them. Evan realized that Connor’s nail polish was consistently chipped. He wondered if he had ever seen Connor with his nails fully painted. Connor ran a hand through his hair, ruffling it and adding to its messy appearance. Evan tried to not focus on the rising hope in his chest. 

“So.” Connor huffed. 

“I would like to continue being friends. If you want to.” 

Evan couldn't help from breaking into a relieved smile. 

“I’d love to.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello lovely readers! I feel like I am always apologizing for the slow updates. But I really am sorry, this took a long time and my only excuse is that my mentality isn't doing so well. I made it longer though to make up for it hopefully :)   
> Comments and critique is very much appreciated! Seriously, comments are the best way to motivate me.   
> Thank you for reading!!


	10. What Goes On Behind The Words

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan maneuvers relationships, mending and bending them as he goes. Sometimes intentionally, sometimes not.

Days passed relatively easily. With tentative steps, Evan fell back into his usual routine. School was dull and tedious as always, but lacked Jared’s between class banter. Evan and Connor were avoiding any mention of the past nights they hung out, but continued to offer solace in company. Eventually Zoe apologized to Evan for what she had said. Everything was mostly normal. 

Or at least as normal as it could get in Evan’s life. 

Evan tried to not replay the conversation at the coffee shop over in his head. He didn’t want to think about how Connor had said he couldn’t stop thinking about him. Yet the words managed to creep their way into his brain late at night when he couldn’t sleep. If Connor pushed his problems away, Evan’s problems were constantly bombarding him. 

Evan wished he could silence all the thoughts in his head. He guessed that was what the drugs were for, but they didn't help mute the repetitive narrative. Most nights his brain kept him wide awake, leaving him with buzzing exhausted static the next day. He could usually tell when Connor hadn’t slept the night before. In fact, Evan doubted that Connor slept at all. His eyes were rimmed with dim violet hues and paralleled with a dull gaze. Connor’s usual personality tended to be aggravated yet when he lacked energy (or assistance from smoking) he was even more vexed. Evan reluctantly realized that Connor was on his mind a lot too. 

 

The next day at school, Evan wanted to fix things with Jared. Sure, they were just family friends but the distance between them helped nothing. So with great daring Evan approached Jared at his locker. Immediately he was met with an irritated glare behind a pair of round glasses. Jared watched him expectantly, and Evan tugged at his shirt hem.

Second time in a week he was confronting a friend he had hurt. At least his therapist would be proud of his communication skills.

“Jared I’m sorry for not answering you, could you please stop ignoring me?” 

Evan mostly expected Jared to ignore him again and walk away. Or for him to give a surly response. 

What he didn’t expect was for Jared to shrug and say, “Okay.”

“O-okay? Really?” Evan stared at Jared, still waiting for him to drop the act and roll his eyes. 

“I said okay. We’re going to be late to class.” 

Evan didn’t have the strength or will to argue with that. 

 

After the morning classes, Evan sat across from Jared at a table in the courtyard. Evan noticed that while neither were speaking to each other, Jared wasn’t encircled with other friends. Jared never fails to remind Evan of how they are simply “family friends” (which is _totally_ different from regular friends) and brag about his other friends, but when Evan is there Jared doesn’t seem to be surrounded by said group. A little part of Evan believes that Jared needs him as much as he needs Jared. But then again, Evan needs help socially more than anyone anyways. 

Evan squints against the glare of sun rays. Things were still a little awkward between them, since they only regained their friendship hours ago. Evan pulls at his shirt hem and coughed slightly before proposing an uncomfortable “So…”

Immediately Jared shifts, thrusting his arms onto the table and resting his head in his hands, feigning innocence before abruptly asking, “So, are you and Murphy a thing now or….?” He drags out, implying something in the lack of words. He continues, seeing the confusion on Evan’s face. 

“Murphy as in Connor, not Zoe. Although I always thought you had a thing for her. But hey, no judgement if you're gay. Or bi. Or whatever you are.” 

The question brought heat to Evan’s cheeks, and he figured it wasn’t from the sunlight. He looked down, avoiding Jared’s interrogating stare.

“Connor and I are not ‘a thing’, ohmygod.” 

Jared raised an eyebrow skeptically. 

“What was he doing asking for your address then?”

Evan’s brain scrambled to form a lie which he quickly word vomited in response.

“We have an English project together.”

Jared’s eyes shone behind his glasses, a familiar glint of teasing. 

“Mhm….I see. You were working on a school project at 11 pm on a Friday night. Okay. Whatever you say, Evan. Just don't hang out with him around me. He’s weird.” 

Evan was about to argue back but figured it wasn’t worth it. 

Their conversation moved on, thankfully. Eventually they slipped back into their normal selves and even laughed a bit. Evan was glad they were friends again. _Family_ friends. 

 

Friday came and Evan welcomed it. After an emotionally draining week, he was definitely looking forward to an uneventful weekend to do some homework and watch a few movies. 

Evan popped into the coffee shop and ordered a small chamomile tea without stuttering. His feeling of accomplishment was fleeting though, because when the barista gave him the tea and said “Enjoy your drink” he had nodded and said accidentally “Thanks, you too” which was _so_ embarrassing so he kept apologizing and there went all his progress. As he took a seat by a window he made a note to not tell his therapist about that part of the scene. 

Within moments, a stormy character sulked in on lengthy legs. Evan tried not to glance too long at the legs. His gaze lingered on Connor’s back as he ordered his coffee. Some repressed fluttering arose in his chest and for once it wasn’t from anxiety. He couldn't just forget the feeling of that back under his hands and the chills it sent up his own. For a minute he wished that he wasn’t drunk when it happened so he could remember it more, but Connor was walking over with his coffee in hand and Evan’s face was rouged. 

Connor slumped down in the seat across from Evan, looking particularly weary. Evan couldn't quite think of something to say so the two sat in silence until Connor sighed and spoke.

“I’ve had the shittiest morning. I don’t even think I can go back to my house after that. Nevermind school. Wanna skip with me?” Connor asked, dropping a bomb ever so calmly. 

Now Evan couldn’t tell whether the fluttering in his chest was from anxiety or… something else. Evan didn’t like thinking about the other reason. 

“I-I’ve never cut class before.. I don't even know how to?” Evan stammered, feeling a little nauseous but not in a sick way. He wasn’t quite sure he would ever get used to Connor Murphy asking him to hang out. Besides, he knew very well what had happened the previous times. The multitude of possibilities was enough to make Evan’s hands slick against the paper cup in his hands. He downed a gulp, hoping that the calming characteristics of the chamomile would settle in and kill the swarm of butterflies that seemed to find refuge in his lungs. 

Connor shrugged, looking vaguely disappointed. He took a swig of his coffee and glanced at his phone. 

“You should probably go then, the first bell rings in ten minutes.”

Something new inside of Evan flipped. A burst of daring or flame or curiosity. 

“No, I’ll stay with you.”

The look on Connor’s face would make everything else worth it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! This chapter took so terribly long to write, I could not get it out for the life of me. It's still pretty short compared to the others but its the best I could do. Plus I have been on vacations and left my laptop at home. Anyways, I hope this chapter doesn't suck as much as I think it does lol. Please leave a comment or a kudos, I'd love to receive some feedback.  
> Thank you for reading!  
> Have a lovely day/night :)


	11. I Wanna Contribute to the Chaos

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor and Evan skip school together.

Evan wondered where Connor learned to drive. He sure as hell hoped it wasn’t from Larry, but then again it would explain a lot of Connor’s dangerous and destructive tendencies. It was early on Friday, and the roads were empty due to people being where they belonged. The air was soaked in rebellious winds that whispered of adventure and lingering consequences. Evan briefly worried his mother would get a call from the school about his unexcused absence but quickly came to the conclusion that she was too busy to even bother checking her phone. Afterall, she had failed to check her phone when her only son had dropped himself out of a tree, so why would she start now? So instead of worrying, for once in his life, he set his anxieties aside and focused in on the way the wind danced with Connor’s hair and the winding road ahead of them.  
The scenic drive was complemented with a cool soundtrack filled with hazy voices. Connor hummed along absentmindedly as he whipped around corners way too fast and recklessly sped along rocky pavements. Evan didn’t bother to ask where they were headed, they were already so far past the parts of town he knew. He didn’t mind the drive. He had always loved car rides as a kid, mostly because of his love for cars and trucks. Now he enjoys them because for the most part they’re like a pause in time, a break from reality.

    The time he spent with Connor was like a break from reality, too. 

    As the drive went on Evan noticed the lack of pine trees and a cooler, saltier tint to the air that filled the car. He snuck a glance at Connor, who he noticed was visibly less tense than he was before. Evan would ask what had made him so upset this morning, but he didn’t want to get into a car crash or bring the unease back into the boy’s shape. However, he did break the silence when he returned his attention to the world surrounding them. 

    “The beach?” Evan couldn’t help keeping the excitement out of his voice. The beach was at least an hour’s drive, and he hadn’t gone since he was much younger when his mom had more time on her hands. Evan turned away from the window and glanced back at Connor. Evan pretended to not notice the way his heart flipped at the fact that Connor was genuinely smiling at his excitement. It made Evan feel fuzzy inside to see his usual cold exterior melted. 

    Connor quickly fixed his expression to a nonchalant, disinterested aspect so quickly Evan wondered if he even saw the smile he caught. “Yeah, it's always deserted this time of year.” Connor shrugged, and parked the car. “And you like nature, and all that shit. So I thought you might like it or whatever.” Connor glanced at Evan swiftly, and the wide childish grin on Evan’s face was almost contagious.

Almost. 

    The two hopped out of the car and walked towards a beaten down boardwalk. The wind picked up, whipping at their faces and adding to the chill of autumn. 

    “Do you come here every time you cut class?” Evan asked, having to raise his voice over the wind and approaching sound of waves. Connor glanced at him sideways with an unreadable expression. Immediately Evan was worried he offended him. 

    “N-not that you cut class all the time, and not that I notice i-if you do, I just, I was just curious-” He sputtered, as usual finding himself stumbling over his own words. 

“Do you stutter every time you speak?” Connor uttered to his left. He felt heat creep up to his face despite the current frosty air that surrounded him. He opened his mouth to spit out his default apology, his natural reflex, _god why did he ever bother speaking?_

"Don't apologize. That was uncalled for. If you haven’t noticed I’m pretty sick too.” Connor added. Evan almost responded, but he was stopped. They had made it to the shoreline. What stopped him though, was Connor’s grip on Evan’s arm. Even though he was wearing a navy blue sweatshirt, the feeling of the other boy’s grip was strong and sent vibrations up his skin. Connor dragged him by the arm to a soft spot in the sand that was just out of reach from the ocean’s grasping hands. 

They both sat down, and Evan was enraptured with the overwhelming barrage of the waves that synchronized with the wind that whipped at his cheeks. Connor shifted and pulled a cigarette out of his pocket along with a white lighter. He lit the cigarette and took a drag from it, his eyes staring out at the horizon line yet seemingly unfocused. Evan tried to focus in on the waves, but it bothered him that Connor had particularly said ‘sick _too_ ’. Evan wasn’t sure which part of the statement to be upset over. Either the fact that Connor just assumed Evan had a mental illness, or the fact that Connor casually mentioned he has one too. After a quick mental debate and a weighing of words, he decided to focus on Connor's health. It would be rude to ask necessarily in what way Connor was sick, but maybe if he spoke about his own mental illness it would open up an opportunity for Connor to present the information. 

"You probably already know this, actually no, you definitely know this already but I wanted to tell you…” He felt Connor’s eyes shift toward him, but he tried to focus his eyes on the way his fingers were fidgeting with the hems of his sleeves. It was almost humorous that talking about his anxiety brought it out, almost like dragging it out of the dark made it fight back. Evan hoped he’d win the fight. Eventually. 

"I have anxiety. W-which is why I stutter, and ramble, and I move my hands a lot, and why I am the way I am. It’s why I acted the way I did last weekend, y’know, with the panic attack, and I’m so sorry you had to see that- and it’s also why I apologize all the time. If-if you hadn’t already noticed, or wondered, or whatever. So. Yeah.” It wasn’t until he started talking about the panic attack that he noticed the tears that had collected in his lower lashline. He tried to blink them away. _He goes somewhere with a friend and starts crying. No wonder no one talks to him._

Connor was quiet, so Evan continued.

"I don't mean to just dump that on you. I just wanted you to know what you’re getting involved with. I can hardly handle myself, so I won’t blame you for not wanting to handle me either.” His voice was hardly a whisper against the roar of the waves. He looked up from his hands and was met with Connor’s magnetizing gaze. There was something about the way Connor’s eyes reflected the physical and emotional attributes of the ocean that grounded his beating heart. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! I haven't uploaded in like a month or so, but here's another chapter. I really lost motivation with this story because it seems like no one's reading it, so if you want me to continue this please let me know! I'll keep writing if you all keep reading :)  
> I started a Dear Evan Hansen account on Instagram (@uwillbefound) so find me on there! I'll be seeing the show on October 22nd, and will post pictures and stuff on there.  
> Thank you if you actually read this! Have a lovely day/night!


	12. The Rest of the World Falls Away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor and Evan continue on their rebellious adventure. Connor opens up, if only for a fleeting moment and Evan talks about his thing for trees.

Connor inhaled a haze of smoke as Evan exhaled the breath he was unaware he had been holding. His eyes gazed unwavering at the ocean, complex as the push and pull of the tides. No matter how many times Connor had snapped at Evan, there was always something that pulled him back in, in the same sense that the waves frothed at the shoreline. Connor breathed out and the smoke billowed back against their faces due to the overpowering winds. Evan picked up on that caliginous scent that seemed to immerse Connor’s aura. Watching Connor smoke made Evan vaguely recall the thousands of lectures against smoking his mother had filled his brain with since he was a kid, but _damn,_ Connor really embodied that cool and rebellious teenager in the movies that almost every teen aspired to be. Before Evan could think further on that realization, Connor quickly stubbed out his cigarette and pulled a hair tie from his wrist. In an expertly executed gesture, he wrangled the whipping strands of his hair into a dark umber bun.  
“You don't want to handle me either. I don't even know why you’ve stuck around this long.” Connor’s voice was hardly a murmur against the overwhelming chorus of the ocean. 

“I’m out of control. I’ve got a guillotine of a mouth and a brain full of grenades just waiting to be set off. I destroy everyone I know. You’ll come to realize that I’ll destroy you too. I’m a fucking chaotic mess of a soul, and I don't think it will ever get better.” 

The words hung in the air, lifeless yet concrete. A moment passed, maybe a second or a minute or a lifetime. 

“So, since you decided it was honesty hour, there you go. That’s my warning to you.” Connor lightened his tone and shifted, folding his lanky legs up towards his chest. Evan stared up at Connor’s face, worry traced in the upturn of his brow and solicitude pooled in his round eyes. 

“Wh..What do you mean when you say you-you don't think it will ever get better?”  
The forest came rushing back to Evan, past summers and sunshine and the dark storm inside his chest. The descent of his mentality and ascent of the branches, getting higher and slimmer with each reach. He recognized the despondency in ‘it will never get better’ all too well. 

Connor froze, tensing at the question. He paused for a moment before looking off into their surroundings and asking, “What kind of tree is that?” to which Evan delved into a lengthy explanation filled with terms Connor had never heard before. 

They sat for awhile, Connor occasionally asking questions about the environment that Evan happily answered. Connor honestly couldn’t care less, but he liked the way Evan got excited and his speech accelerated as he spoke passionately. It was a nice contrast from the spurred, irresolute tone that seemed to trip his tongue constantly. While Connor couldn’t retain any of the scientific explanations Evan offered, or recall the names of plants he was saying, he did remember the answer to one of the questions he asked. 

“Why are you so interested in nature?” Connor hadn’t really thought about the question, it was mostly posed only to keep Evan talking but his answer resonated with him. Evan was looking up at the sky, the sun illuminating his face and the royal skies saturating his eyes. His mouth was turned up slightly, in a smile Connor doubted Evan was aware of. 

“I love nature because it’s so much... _bigger_ than we will ever be. We’re so fleeting, and insignificant. Learning about this planet and the trees that surround me is just some way of getting out of my own head, of forgetting all the trivial worries that consume me. That, and the fact that I don’t feel so overwrought when I’m surrounded by trees in the way I feel when I’m around people.” The smile dispersed from his face and a gentle rouge warmed his cheeks. Evan ruffled his hair with his hand quickly. “It’s- it’s dumb, I know. Jared tells me so all the time, so sorry if I just creeped you out-”

“It’s not dumb.” Connor interjected, his voice surprisingly aggressive.  
The blush deepened on Evan’s skin. He looked at Connor, his expression quizzical. 

“It’s really cool that you have something you’re so passionate about. Something you can rely on.” Connor explained. He almost added _‘You’re lucky you can rely on trees and not drugs’_ or something equally self-deprecating, but he didn't want to decimate the mood. Evan was practically beaming at Connor.  
“You-you think?” He asked. The way Evan was looking at him made his chest feel like fireworks, so he just nodded and asked about Evan’s knowledge on the ocean.

They sat for awhile longer, letting their skin soak up the salted atmosphere and sand collect on their clothes. 

The sun had sunk lower in the sky, but not low enough to dim the sky yet. Their conversation had begun to lull.

“What time is it?” Connor asked absentmindedly. Evan shrugged. “I left my phone behind in the car. It’s probably sometime in the late afternoon?” 

“Are you hungry? There’s a diner nearby.” Connor suggested and stood up, promptly brushing the sand off his black jeans. Evan instinctively bit down on his lower lip, apprehension easing its way back into his posture. Connor extended his hand to help Evan up as he added, “What’s wrong?” Evan took Connor’s hand and got up before answering. 

“I- I didn’t bring any money.” Evan hugged his arms to his body, suddenly feeling the harsh winds again. Connor raised a brow. “Dude, it’s fine. I’ll pay. I did make you skip class after all.” Evan opened his mouth to argue, but his rebuttal died in his mouth under Connor’s unwavering gaze. With the next destination agreed upon, they headed back in the direction of the car.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello lovelies!! I'm back with another update, and it hasn't taken me the usual month's time to write it! It's a little shorter, but I figure that maybe it's better for me to update more frequently with a little less writing for each. Tell me what you prefer: more updates with less content, or more content but longer wait time?  
> Last weekend I sat second row center orchestra for Dear Evan Hansen, and my life is changed. The experience was beyond words. I talked about it a lot on my fan account, @uwillbefound, on Instagram. If you want to know anything you can also ask me about it here, I would be more than happy to answer!  
> Kudos and comments are so, so appreciated! They make me incredibly happy (and motivated)!  
> Have a wonderful day/night and thank YOU for reading!


	13. Things That You Can't Say Tomorrow Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The adventure continues and so on.

The drive to the diner was brief, but the thoughts that individually consumed the boy’s brains were elongated and clamorous. They each respectively were listening to the radio as Connor drove but neither were paying much attention. Evan was naturally worried as his phone had died, and he had no way of knowing if someone was trying to reach him. That fear lingered beneath the realization Evan had came upon: Connor had changed the subject to avoid further discussing his feelings. Evan mindlessly bit at his bottom lip while he contemplated what Connor had said earlier. His stomach began to curl into knots, either from his nerves or the reckless way Connor drove. _At least Connor opened up, if only for a bit._ Evan knew it took a lot of courage to do so. Connor had warned him of the dangers that lay at his hands but all Evan could focus on was the feelings Connor had given him, the opportunities, and the memories. He didn’t believe Connor would ever be capable of destroying him. Sure, Evan was fragile in his shaky bones and ill brain, but when he was with Connor he was indestructible. Or at least he didn’t feel like he was made of glass. He glimpsed fondly at Connor and admired the way the silhouette of his profile contrasted with the lowering sun. 

Connor, in retrospect, was unusually calm. He had long since forgotten the morning’s meltdown, and really felt like he was connecting with Evan. He had never had friendships with other kids, and he couldn’t exactly rely on his own family either. Connor had grown accustomed to the loneliness that swallowed him whole until he met those stormy eyes that didn’t reflect fear or malice when they looked back at him. Connor knew what he was capable of, but he swore to himself he would never hurt Evan. God, he couldn’t even remember the last good day he had until now. The thought made a sunny glow spread through him, and the feeling heated his heart when he glanced at the boy in the passenger’s seat. The feeling emanated butterflies in him, and made him sick. Not only that, but he was driving and should be focused on that task instead of the sun-kissed boy with slopey shoulders and energetic hands.

So Connor tried to pay attention and keep his eyes on the road ahead. 

He nearly swerved straight off the road more than once.

 

They parked right outside the diner, which was relatively empty. It was the typical classic, evocative diner with neon lighting lining the walls and shiny booths that have seated many before. Connor lead Evan into the diner with Evan following tentatively behind, admiring the artistic photographs adorning the walls. They were greeted by a kind waitress with a soft smile who took their orders and didn’t make Evan nervous enough to stutter. He settled into the booth and looked across the table at Connor, who’s hair was windblown in a messy bun. Suddenly perturbed by the silence between them, Evan asked the first question that popped into his head. 

“Have you been here before?” 

Connor exhaled slowly, his expression unreadable. 

“Yeah. My family used to go on a bunch of road trips and coming to the beach was Zoe’s favorite. This being back when our family actually was a family. We would come here once the ocean water was too cold to stay in any longer. Zoe and I always got vanilla milkshakes.”

Evan smiled at the thought of a younger, softer Zoe and Connor, giggling to each other as they sipped on milkshakes, unaware and unharmed by future conflicts. Evan caught Connor’s questioning look and laughed nervously. 

“What?” Connor asked, leaning towards Evan.

“It’s nothing..” Evan didn’t know if bringing up Connor’s relationship with Zoe would kill the mood between them right now. But Connor continued to press him about it, so he told him.  
“I was just imagining you as a kid, is all. Just you and Zoe hanging out drinking milkshakes, it doesn’t seem…” He trailed off, picking up on the hurt in Connor’s eyes. “Sorry, I don’t mean to overstep I-I just..” 

“No, don't apologize. I know how I shattered whatever parallel there was between us. I guess I never realized how apparent it was to others, though.” Connor shifted, his shoulders slumping forward. 

Evan didn’t know if it was his place to speak up, but he couldn’t bear the silence dragging on so he asked anyways. 

“I don't know what happened between you two but could you fix it? And be close again?’ 

Connor gave him a weak smile. “There’s no way. She shouldn’t forgive me. I fucked up, and I continue to. Even though I miss her time from time, I can’t mend what I’ve shattered.”

“You could apologize.” Evan offered, to which Connor laughed halfheartedly. 

“Apologies are easy to you, aren’t they Hansen?” 

At this time the waitress brought their food and two milkshakes; one vanilla, one chocolate. The boys thanked her, and Connor smiled wistfully at Evan. 

“Besides, I’d much rather be here with you now than with her then.” 

And with that, they clinked glasses and their conversation travelled into lighter topics filled with laughter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! This is just a quick update, I haven't had much time or inspiration to write. This definitely is not my best work, so I apologize. I still have yet to figure out where this story is headed. Please, please let me know your thoughts! Anything at all, I would love to hear it.  
> Thank you all so much for reading and enjoy the rest of your day!!  
> Instagram- @uwillbefound


	14. Catch Up With The Sunrise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor and Evan's adventure comes to an end, whether they like it or not. Evan faces the consequences of disappearing.

Time passed slowly, but in a different sense than usual. It was much different from the dull drag of a class and watching the clock; legs bouncing and anticipating the toll of a bell. It passed in the way clouds shift over azure backgrounds and everything in the world feels in motion yet set at the right pace. Evan was smiling genuinely instead of his forced sheepish, half-hearted grin. Connor was talkative and recalled anecdotes that were untroubled and humorous. They talked of how they both did sports as kids although it was against their will. Connor laughed at how Evan would get distracted on the field and end up playing with dandelions instead of the ball during games. At least Evan got on the field, Connor would rather throw a fit than throw a ball. Connor told Evan how he started painting his nails and the true story behind the “Connor Murphy threw a printer” rumour. Soon enough they had to pay the bill and leave, as the sun was already setting over the ocean in the distance. As they exited the diner, Evan watched the fluorescent lights cast their chromatic colors upon Connor’s grinning cheeks and scrunched eyes.  
  
  
“Sorry I couldn’t help pay for the bill.” Evan commented, although the apology wasn’t accompanied by the usual overwhelming guilt. Connor shrugged, and the motion seemed to travel jauntily throughout his lanky body.  
“No big deal, dude. As long as it’s not paying for weed I can pretty much spend whatever I want.”  
Evan let out a half hearted laugh at that. He could hardly imagine the economic differences between him and the Murphy’s.  
  
  
Evan looked down at his beaten sneakers as they walked back to the car. Occasionally their arms bumped against the other's and Evan pretended not to notice Connor looking down at him. He pretended not to notice the heat that spread to the apples of his cheeks. It was just sunburn. Probably.    
  
  
) They drove home in a peaceful silence. The windows were down and Evan’s face met the cool air graciously. The radio was playing Connor’s playlist, which Evan actually liked. He liked his music taste, the way Connor’s polished nails tapped the steering wheel to the beat. He especially liked when Connor smiled at him. He liked Connor. As a friend. Obviously.  
  
  
Time passed, and soon enough Connor pulled into Evan’s driveway, and Evan felt an unfamiliar disappointment fill him. Usually he couldn’t wait to escape any means of social interaction but tonight was different. They sat in the car until the song on the radio finished, and only then could Evan find the energy within him to mumble out, “Thank you for today, I had a really great time.”  
Evan picked up on how Connor’s demeanor brightened and his body language shifted towards him. He smiled widely, his whole face beaming in the dim lights of the dashboard, and it set off a succession of drums in Evan’s chest.  
“Me too. Maybe you’ll cut class with me more often.” Connor inclined as he ran a hand cooly through his hair.  
“Maybe. You’re a bad influence, Connor.” Evan responded, a smile playing lightly on his face. Connor laughed.  
They briefly held eye contact, which surprisingly felt more personal in that moment than before. Evan’s subconscious wondered if Connor studied Evan’s eyes as much as Evan did with Connor’s. The thought made his insides flip so he opened the car door and gave a last, “Bye, Connor” before walking up his doorstep.  
  
  
There was something sweet and sentimental about Connor waiting in Evan’s driveway until he got to his front door. _He wants to make sure I get inside safely,_ a thought that made his heart glow. However, in the act of coming home something repressed inside of his chest ached to forget all the “goodbye”s he had said in this driveway. He pushed the thought away as he pushed open the front door.  
  
  
The metal doorknob was cold in Evan’s warm hand. To his surprise, he saw lights on inside. The thought hadn’t occurred to him until now that it was very late, he had skipped school, and his phone had been dead for hours. The realization made his palms slick and a snake of worry birth and coil in his stomach. He shuffled inside, sand littering the floor beneath his New Balances. He slipped them off, and when he looked up he saw his mother in the in the entrance to the living room.  
The mascara tracks left streaks of tar down her cheeks, which contrasted sharply with her scrubs patterned with soft florals. She held an unreadable stance with her cellphone grasped loosely in her hand.  
“Where have you been?” Heidi’s tone was exasperated which underlying waves of thunder. Evan felt his pulse invigorate and his throat tighten. Her eyes were wide and searching, desperately seeking for answers she would never recieve.  
  
  
“I- I..” Evan’s voice failed him, wavering and completely lost of the ease it captured before. His mouth hung open but the ghost of his explanation lingered limp and hollow in his throat.  
Heidi took a step towards him, gesturing wildly, waving her phone around as she clamoured. “I’ve tried calling you 12 times. You didn’t answer. You didn’t go to school and you just go ahead and disappear for hours on end and you don't let anyone know where you are?”  
  
  
A strange feeling accompanied the anxieties that struck Evan’s brain. He felt an odd electricity enrapture his veins, an overpowering conniption that became the voice of reason in his head. She was hardly ever here, just a mirage that left post it notes and twenty dollar bills on counter tops. All of a sudden she decides to show up and realize he exists?  
She didn’t even notice he was gone when he broke his arm over the summer.  
He tried calling her then.  
She never picked up.  
  
  
“I skipped school with a friend.” His tone was low, and he avoided Heidi’s piercing gaze. Part of him was dying to escape this situation, to run and cower in his bed, as if he were a kid again and being under the covers was enough to shelter him from all the evil of the world. Another part of him, a small but burning part of him dared Heidi to ask ‘What friend? You don't have any friends’ because he _knows_ that is what she’s thinking and he _knows_ that she won't admit it.  
“Skipped school?” Heidi inquired hotly,“Evan, since when have you been skipping school?"  
  
  
The tapping of Evan’s foot increased rapidly, the electricity beating faster inside of him. The angsty parts of Evan suddenly shrunk in comparison with his anxiety when he really took in the sight before him.  
Evan looked at his mother then, knowing the worry in her face was set there because of him. That the exhaustion that followed her like a fog was there because of him. Because he was a burden. He was awful. He ruins her life and now he does this? His heart sank to the floor and the range of emotion he had experienced that day was just suddenly _too much._  
She was staring back at him now, searching.  
Evan knew there was nothing there to find.  
  
  
“Look, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have s-skipped school and I’m sorry I-I did this to you and that I’m the literal worst thing that-that has ever happened to you and I. I.” His voice got lost somewhere along the way as his nails found a thread in his shirt that he just kept unraveling. Which was damaging but his anxiety was manifesting and he couldn’t help it. The thread was already unraveled too much to stop and frankly he wasn't too sure he couldn't stop at this point.  
  
  
The tenseness in Heidi’s shoulders seemed to drop at this and her expression changed, and Evan could only guess that she was remembering that her son was practically built of glass and could break at any moment.  
“Evan..” She took a step closer to him, and grabbed both of his hands in hers. His fingers stilled and he met her eyes.“You,” Heidi started, the tears welling back up in her eyes, “You are the only good thing that has ever happened to me.”  
  
  
He felt sick. What a horrible person he was for what he did today, for what he’s done before. What a horrible person he was for what he tried to do that summer. _She wouldn’t think that if she knew_. How she would hate him. How she _should_ hate him. For everything. Why can’t she see that?  
  
  
“I’m sorry.” These were the only words that seemed to escape him.  
  
  
“You know I worry about you.” Heidi sighed and stepped back, her posture relaxing. “When the school called to say you were absent for the day, I was able to switch my shift and come home to check in with you.” Her eyebrows scrunched and her face welcomed the fretful expression it usually wore. “But you weren’t at home. Obviously.” She let out a soft, fake laugh. “Well, shit. It’s late. You should go to sleep, alright? We’ll talk the rest out in the morning.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey all :)  
> It's been a couple months since the last chapter. I really, really love writing. I love these characters to death. I want to develop them and write a story that I'm excited to work on but. I don't know about this one. When I started it, it was my first fanfiction and I had no idea what I was doing. It was unplanned and just messy and to be honest, I still have no idea where this is going. I started a new story about Zoe, and I have a plan for it although I don't know when or if I'll post it. As for this one, I might come back to it now and then. I figured I'd post this last chapter I had typed up before (and if) I abandon this. I might even take these chapters and re-write/start this and follow through with that.  
> I'll let you all know.  
> Thank you so much for the continuous support and kindness. Every kudos, hit, and comment makes me smile and really impacts me.  
> Drop a thought if you want to see this story continue (as is or redone) or anything else you want to say.  
> Have a great day!! xoxo


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